This belt was made for teaching.....parents

RT.com, 20 October, 2010, 20:07

"A belt is for your trousers - a talk is for your child" - that's the message that is displayed on a new item for sale in Barnaul, the capital of south Siberia’s Altai Territory.

The belt urging parents not to beat their children comes in a number of models and colors, including a glamorous version decorated with rhinestones. The curiosity has only just reached the shelves but has already sparked a vivid discussion.

"So we did grow up with an occasional spanking – so what?" - grumbles an older lady, examining the new arrival – "And look how many cosmonauts and scientists we used to have… surely they all knew the feel of the belt…"

However the authors of the idea – a group of young journalists supported by a local children's charity – strongly disagree with such an approach. They believe a child should be brought up without 'reaching for the belt'. The label attached to the unusual garment contains 10 pieces of advice on how to manage without that. "That information on humanitarian methods of raising children will be particularly useful to parents,” - say the activists.

Regretfully, an attitude "belting is part of the educational process" and "my parents did so, so will I" is quite widespread in Russia. Statistics are sad: some 2,000 children are killed by adults every year, many of them die at the hands of their parents or relatives.

According to Yelena Topoleva-Soldunova, head of the working group for charity at the Public Chamber of Russia, a recent study revealed that more than half of parents in Russia use physical punishment as a method of upbringing. "And it's only those who have found the courage to acknowledge it. One can only guess how many parents beat their children in reality" - she writes in the Public Chamber's Blog.

However, one of the comments to her blog entry said: "Yelena, you simply don't distinguish cruelty (state of the soul) from a neutral subject (belt) that can be not only a tool for cruelty but rather a tool for correction of an angry (or stubborn) child. I agree that the belt is not a method but it's an element sometimes needed in the educational process. I myself used it twice and the result was great. It all depends on the motives a parent has when he takes up a belt. It's better to hurt a backside with a belt for 5 minutes than hurt a soul with a cruel word, possibly, for the lifetime."

Murray S. Straus, founder and director of the University of New Hampshire's Family Research Lab in the US, has been campaigning against domestic violence for more than 25 years. He has proven: being spanked as a child is linked to having a lower IQ.

Straus studied more than 1500 children aged 2 to 9 who were re-tested four years later. "The more spanking, the slower the development of the child's mental ability," Straus said in a news release. "But even small amounts of spanking made a difference." He and his colleagues also looked at corporal punishment practices in 32 countries by surveying 17,404 university students. The analysis found a lower average IQ in nations in which spanking was more prevalent. Belgium, Netherlands and Germany were found to be the most patient/humane to children and therefore – the smartest.

Despite impressive facts and figures, by 2010 domestic corporal punishment was illegal or restricted in just 27 countries of the world – and it doesn't necessarily carry a criminal penalty. Many societies around the globe still believe spanking and smacking by parents or guardians to be an appropriate response to a child's poor behavior – provided it is 'reasonable'. This year, Russia launched an initiative entitled "Russia without cruelty to children" trying to address the problem.

And although a tiny distribution of 60 belts by a small group of activists may not seem like a lot – if it prevents one child being smacked – it was certainly worth it.

Sixth sense really does exist: Research shows how brains of couples in love 'work together'

Daily Mail, by RICHARD SHEARS, 26th September 2010

An extraordinary scientific study has proved that a sixth sense between two people really does exist.

In sync: Dr Trisha Stratford's research
shows how the brains of couples in love
work together

Dr Trisha Stratford, an expert on the how the brain behaves, has spent five years monitoring the way couples interact in a non-physical manner.

If they are close to one another mentally, particularly when they are in love, their brains appear to work together, the neuropsychotherapist has found.

Dr Stratford, who conducted her research at Sydney's University of Technology, concluded that two people can become physiologically aligned - with parts of their nervous systems beating in harmony - despite having no physical contact with each other.

'This study gives us a deeper understanding of what happens when people interact, including when a couple falls in love,' she said today.

She suggested that her research could provide clues about how to communicate with a potential partner using sixth sense, which she said had long been suggested but never extensively identified in science.

Dr Stratford told Fairfax media in Australia that an American psychiatrist, Carl Marci, had established a connection between two people, but his study in 2007 was limited and he called for more research.

By then, Dr Stratford had already started her own studies into the phenomenon, replicating Dr Marci's research, 'but then I froze that point of two people becoming one and looked at what was happening in the brain,' she said.

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'It was very exciting. When we're in this moment of oneness, or an altered state, the most exciting thing is that a part of the brain called the parietal lobe is fired into action.

'When this happens we can read each other's brains and bodies at a deeper level - a sixth sense.'

Her studies included looking at the behaviour of 30 volunteers aged from 21 to 65, who were assessed by six therapists who worked at lining up their own thoughts and emotions with those of the 'patients'.

The volunteers were all suffering from some kind of anxiety. Their 'body signals' were monitored by electrodes that were placed around the head to monitor brain waves in four different areas, while other monitors recorded heart and body movements.

Brain power: Dr Stratford said her research
could provide clues about how to communicate
with a potential partner using a 'sixth sense'

At the end of the sessions, the patients were shown to have lower anxiety levels and lower heart rates and all agreed they had benefited from the 'connection' with the therapists.

One of Dr Stratford's colleagues, Sara Lal, a senior lecturer in the unversity's molecular biosciences department, agreed that the visual and audio face-to-face communication between therapists and volunteer patients had resulted in the alignment of what is known as their autonomic nervous systems.

'It really is quite eerie when you see the traces on the screen start to match each other as they come into alignment,' Dr Lal told Fairfax media.

Researchers observed how the patients' body language changed as alignment of the nervous system occurred. Their eyes changed their focus and the patients become oblivious to their surroundings.

One of the scientists involved in the Australian research, psychotherapist Alan Meara, said sixth sense wasn't a magical occurrence.

'It is something that the human brain is wired to do,' he said. 'The research shows that we do have the capacity to understand people at a deeper level than we normal do in general conversation.'

So how does one communicate with a stranger - chat up a potential partner, perhaps?

'You need to give them your total, undivided attention,' said Dr Stratford.

'Listening is better than talking about yourself and the state of one-ness becomes strongest after two or three meetings.'

Chinese children adopted by overseas families begin root-tracing trip

www.chinaview.cn 2009-11-23 21:47:00

BEIJING, Nov. 23 (Xinhua) -- Chinese children adopted by 37 overseas families from six countries are in China for a root-tracing trip to learn more about their birth country.

A welcoming ceremony was held on Monday by the Ministry of Civil Affairs for the children aged four to 14 and their families.

At the ceremony, Minister of Civil Affairs Li Xueju presented gifts to the children. To welcome the children, a traditional Chinese drum dance and poetry recitation were also staged at the ceremony.

In the following days, the children will revisit their birth places and former orphanages where they will celebrate this year's Thanksgiving Day with orphans and child-care workers there.

In coincidence with the Thanksgiving Day, the trip seeks to foster a sense of gratitude to their former orphanages and China among the adopted children, while offering them an opportunity to learn more about the Chinese culture.

An estimated 50,000 Chinese children have been adopted by foreigners since 1980, with 80 percent by Americans.

Spray for 'six times longer' sex

BBC World

A spray can help men with premature ejaculation problems prolong the length of time they have sex by six times.

Men who used the treatment five minutes before having intercourse extended their love-making from half a minute to almost four minutes, trials showed.

Premature ejaculation can be distressing for couples

The spray, developed at the Royal Victoria Hospital in Belfast, contains local anaesthetics that numb the penis.

A British Journal of Urology International study says it could be available in the next couple of years.

Up to 40% of men experience premature ejaculation at some time in their lives, experts estimate.

It is difficult to have an exact idea of the rate because there is still embarrassment about discussing sex lives and the definition of what constitutes a premature climax does vary.

For some 10 minutes in the sack may be enough, but for others intercourse lasting less than 20 minutes may be unsatisfactory.

In the study, the researchers looked at 300 men who regularly had difficulty lasting for more than a minute during love-making.

Most of the men had tried other treatments before, the most common being oral antidepressants.

Every time they had intercourse during the three-month study period, each couple measured the time to ejaculation with a stopwatch.

Sex delay

The men who tested the spray, called PSD502, were able to last 6.3 times longer on average.

In comparison, men who tested a "dummy" spray containing no drug lasted only 1.7 times longer.

PSD502 helped 90% of the men enjoy sex for up to four minutes, where they had previously only lasted for seconds.

And there was minimal transfer of the spray to the partners, meaning the men did not have to use a condom for this reason alone.

Lead researcher Professor Wallace Dinsmore said: "Premature ejaculation can be a very distressing condition for men and can cause distress, frustration and make them avoid sexual intimacy.

"Our study shows that when the PSD502 spray was applied to the man's penis five minutes before intercourse it improved both sexual performance and sexual satisfaction, which are key factors in treating premature ejaculation."

Peter Baker of the Men's Health Forum said the findings were welcomed.

"Premature ejaculation is a very significant problem for lots of men that is hardly talked about and that needs to change.

"There are treatments and training techniques that can help. It is important that new treatments are looked at and that men are encouraged to seek help."

Paula Hall, a counsellor for Relate, said: "This might particularly help men who have problems with premature ejaculation related to anxiety.

"It could help build their confidence, although the root cause of the anxiety would still need addressing."

Days of Wine and Roses Are Over This Valentine’s

By JENNIFER 8. LEE, The New York Times, February 13, 2009 

Marc Matsumoto, 31, shops in New York. He and his wife are having Valentine’s dinner at home. (Kirsten Luce for The New York Times)

And even some preparing to propose on Saturday are seeking a bargain approach: on Yahoo, searches for “cheap engagement rings” are “off the charts” compared with a year ago, according to Vera Chan, a trend analyst for the company. Other searches that are up over last year include “cheap lingerie,” “free Valentine’s Day cards” and “homemade Valentine’s Day gifts.” 

Valentine’s Day, a more discretionary holiday compared with birthdays and Christmas, is proving particularly vulnerable to the bursting of the economic bubble. Diamond jewelry sales are down 20 percent to 30 percent. Flower sales are likely to tighten as well, in part because the day falls on a Saturday.

 

In the current economic climate, many men say it comes as a great relief not to have to produce a material manifestation of an intangible emotion.

 

“It has become such an ingrained part of our culture that women expect it and men expect they need to do such things,” said Marc Matsumoto, 31, a New York marketing manager who was laid off in December.

 

For Mr. Matsumoto, Valentine’s Days past meant splurging on $700 to $1,000 dinners, $400 and $500 dresses from Theory and Eli Tahari, and jewelry from Tiffany’s. This year, he and his wife are planning a meal at home. The menu includes foie gras with persimmon port and lobster sous vide with yuzu butter, but they will split the $125 cost.

 

Angeline Close, a business professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, who has studied consumer attitudes toward Valentine’s Day, says the reassessment of the day is forcing it back to its roots. It started out as an intimate card-giving occasion in the mid-1800s but then grew into the second-most-marketed holiday after Christmas.

 

“It became a card and chocolate,” Professor Close said. “Then card, chocolate and roses, and then card, chocolate, roses and a lavish night out.”

 

Last year, consumers spent an average of $122.98 on Valentine’s Day gifts and merchandise, up from $80 in 2003, according to the National Retail Federation. With men, Professor Close said, “a lot of it had to do with the whole one-upmanship.” This year, however, the average expense is expected to drop 17 percent, to $102.50 this year, the federation said.

 

Tim Rhodes, 23, of Snellville, Ga., said he never wanted his wife to feel left out when other men doted on their partners; it seemed like “you don’t love your significant other as much as they love theirs.” This year, Mr. Rhodes and his wife, Beth, are planning to exchange practical gifts, like boots or a coat, and save their money for their move to Russia to teach English.

 

Creative, personal and experiential have become the key words. Chadd Bennett, 30, of Seattle, and his wife are forgoing their traditional getaways and jewelry this year, and will instead camp out in their living room and build a fort, harking back to their childhood.

 

“We can still keep that ritual together,” Mr. Bennett said. “It will save us a few hundred bucks, and be a heck of a lot more fun.”

 

Some men say they are reflecting a perceived shift in women’s thinking that they not spend a “stupid gluttonous amount of money,” said Brad Wilson, 28, of Chicago, the editor in chief of BradsDeals.com, which offers online shopping deals.

 

Indeed, Candace Lindemann, 31, an educational consultant from Miller Place, N.Y., pre-emptively drew the line, telling her husband, “No cut flowers.”

 

“I think they are expensive for what they are,” Ms. Lindemann said.

 

Even if plans include going out, many are finding creative ways to cut corners. Some are using restaurant gift certificates. Others are avoiding the pricey prix fixe dinners and going out for lunch, or dinner during the week.

 

Susan Jennings, 44, an artist from Manhattan, did both, using a gift certificate for Craft restaurant on Thursday. “We have zero income,” Ms. Jennings said. “We are just living on savings.”

 

Businesses are adapting in subtle ways. Roses are being sold in bundles of 10 instead of a dozen for a few dollars less. Jewelry companies are pushing less expensive items, like colored stones. Budget restaurants, which have not traditionally been hot spots for lovers, are offering Valentine’s Day specials.

 

The Internet abounds with ideas for frugal options, like playlists burned onto CDs and coupons for household chores. Sheryl P. Kurland, a relationship counselor, had another suggestion: do whatever it is that you did on your first date. The emphasis “recalls falling in love and nostalgia that’s often filled with humor,” Ms. Kurland said.

 

Susan Ji-Young Park, 39, of Los Angeles, has seen her income from teaching cooking classes fall sharply lately, so she prepared truffles to send to friends and family, in lieu of $100 orchid arrangements.

 

The holiday, Professor Close said, may be coming full circle.

 

“It started as a very pure romantic holiday, until capitalism and marketing spiked it,” she said. “We are retreating back a little bit to the original meaning behind the day.”

Matchmakers find business booming on Wall Street

By Claudia Parsons, Reuters, Thu Feb 12, 2009 2:17pm EST 

 

A street sign is seen in front of the New York Stock Exchange on Wall Street in New York, February 10, 2009. (REUTERS/Eric Thayer)

NEW YORK (Reuters) - It's all doom and gloom on Wall Street but high-end matchmakers say when America's wealthiest bachelors are humbled, some start looking for love.

 

"In these economic times, the dynamics have really shifted in favor of relationships," said Rachel Greenwald, matchmaker and author of a new book called "Why He Didn't Call You Back."

 

"Casual dating seemed to be a by-product of the go-go days of past years when the stock market was booming," she said.

 

"People had disposable money and they wanted disposable relationships. Now things have really shifted emotionally."

 

Samantha Daniels says she has more clients than ever willing to pay $25,000 and up a year to meet women through her company Samantha's Table. She said some men simply have more time to focus on relationships because their business is on hold, for example those in real estate or hedge funds.

 

Others are not in the mood for endless first dates with different women and want a partner who will deal with their ups and downs.

 

"Everything is so volatile every day, and some days you're in a really bad mood," Daniels said. "Nothing is worse than if you're in a really bad mood and you have to put on your happy face for a first date and be all energetic and happy.

 

"Men need to have something in their life that's stable. Usually it's their business life, but if it's not that, they're looking to have some stability in their personal life," she said.

 

Matchmaker Janis Spindel also said business was booming.

 

"The other day I had a 30-year-old who wrote me a check for $30,000 up front without batting an eyelid," she said.

 

Amy Andersen, founder of Linx Dating in California, said February is set to be her best month ever.

 

She recently spent a week at a luxury hotel in New York interviewing some 20 women for a client who wanted to meet a graduate of the same Ivy League university he attended.

 

The client, who paid more than $50,000 for the search, is "slowly dating one of the girls and trying to figure out if there's long-term potential there," Andersen said.

 

NOT SUCH A GREAT CATCH

 

But while super-rich men in finance may be more open to love, they are not quite the catch they used to be.

 

A blog claiming to be written by wives and girlfriends of bankers, Dating A Banker Anonymous (http://dabagirls.wordpress.com), features tales of disgruntled women forced to give up pricey restaurant meals, for example, for home cooking.

 

It warned women this week to expect little more for Valentine's Day than a horse-drawn carriage ride through Central Park -- a far cry from the diamonds and ritzy nights out they might have enjoyed in years past.

 

Daniels said finance used to be the first occupation women would say was attractive in a partner.

 

"Women are realizing at this time they'd rather be with someone in an occupation that doesn't have as much risk associated with it," she said. "They want a more traditional type, going back to what their grandmother used to say -- 'You want to be with a lawyer or a doctor.'"

 

Men too are looking for something different, Daniels said.

 

"They've seen a lot of friends whose wives or girlfriends left them because times are tough," she said.

 

DIVORCE IS LIKE FUTURES MARKET

 

Divorce lawyers say hard times also can destroy love.

 

"I have some situations brewing now where the lack of resources has definitely caused some stress on the relationship and brought things to a head -- business opportunities dried up or people are at home now whereas they used to be at a job," said Brett Kimmel, whose clients have included rapper 50 Cent.

 

He said divorces are becoming more complicated because couples are finding it harder to sell their home and to split up other assets. "Cases are taking a lot longer."

 

Raoul Felder, a high-profile divorce lawyer, said there had been a spike in divorces as the economy started to tank because "a lot of mice want to leave the sinking ship."

 

He forecast there would be more when the economy picks up but said for the moment, there is a lull because financial uncertainty makes couples think twice about embarking on a potentially costly divorce.

 

"It's a bit like buying futures because divorce takes eight months to a year to be finalized," he said. "You're really guessing what's going to be happening eight to 12 months away."

 

(Editing by Ellen Wulfhorst and Sandra Maler)

Marriage Lessons for New Couples

The Jakarta Globe, Putri Prameshwari, February 1, 2009

A couple say their vows at a mass wedding in Tangerang. (Photo: Prasetyo Utomo, Antara)

Alarmed that more Indonesians are divorcing over the contentious issue of polygamy, the central government is considering making premarital counseling mandatory for all couples planning to wed, a senior Ministry of Religious Affairs official said on Sunday.

Nasaruddin Umar, director general of religious guidance at the ministry, said that the number of women who cited polygamy as the reason for seeking divorce had risen from 813 in 2004 to more than 1,000 in 2008.

“On that basis, we’re considering compulsory pre-marriage counseling,” Umar told the Jakarta Globe.

The ministry will draft a regulation requiring all couples, regardless of their religious faith, to take a course to learn about the requirements of marriage before they tie the knot, he said.

“Couples who don’t have [a course] certificate will not be able to get married,” he said.

Umar said Indonesia was not the first country to adopt such a policy, noting that Christian churches in most countries required premarital counseling. However, that policy is generally not government mandated, whereas the Religious Affairs Ministry’s new policy would be a state regulation.

Statistics were not immediately available on the number of countries that legally require premarital counseling. China insists that couples take a premarital course, but it mainly provides information about contraception and HIV/AIDS.

Umar said that the ministry was working with several state Islamic universities across the country to formulate a curriculum for the premarital course.

“Hopefully, we can start by the end of this year,” he said.

While polygamy is legal in Indonesia, it remains an extremely sensitive issue, with proponents saying men have the right under Islamic law to have multiple wives, while women’s groups say the practice is discriminatory.

Government officials and lawmakers have from time to time debated this issue, with no result, though President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono in 2006 extended a ban on civil servants engaging in polygamy unless they received permission from their superior and their first wife, according to presidential spokesman Andi Mallarangeng.

Under Article 4 of the Law on Marriage No. 1/1974, a husband may remarry up to three times if his wife gives her consent, or cannot meet her marital obligations. He is also allowed to take a new wife if his existing wife falls sick, is physically handicapped, or is unable to give birth. However, the government rarely enforces the restrictions.

Sri Nur Herawati, a consultation coordinator at LBH Apik, a legal aid institution for women, has called on the government to revise the law, saying if a wife refuses to allow her husband to marry another woman, he often marries illegally.

Man kills wife, five kids, himself after being fired

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- A man apparently despondent about losing his job killed his wife and five children before turning the gun on himself, officials said Tuesday. 

 

 A photo on Ervin Lupoe's Facebook page shows his wife and five children.

 

The bodies of five children and two adults -- the children's mother and father -- were found Tuesday in a home in the Los Angeles neighborhood of Wilmington. Among the dead, authorities said, were an 8-year-old girl and two sets of twins -- 5-year-old girls and 2-year-old boys.

 

Ervin Lupoe apparently called 911 and contacted a television station by fax before committing suicide, authorities said.

 

"No words can describe this tragedy," said Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. "There's no way to comprehend this unspeakable act."

 

Police were alerted by KABC-TV, who said the station had received a faxed letter and a call from an individual who was threatening suicide.

 

Responding officers found all seven bodies inside the home, said Capt. William Hayes.  

 

Nearly simultaneously with the KABC call, a man called 911 and reported coming home and finding his family dead, Hayes said. But, Deputy Police Chief Kenneth Garner said, the man told KABC he had killed them.

 

A suicide note found at the scene "indicated a business dispute" between Lupoe and Kaiser Permanente West Los Angeles Medical Center, Hayes said. In the faxed note to KABC, the man said he was despondent over an employment situation, police said.

 

Kaiser Permanente said Lupoe and his wife, Ana, were both former employees of the medical center. Both had been terminated, Hayes said, with Lupoe's termination coming last week. It appears there were grounds for the termination, and it did not come as a result of layoffs, he said.

In Lupoe's suicide note, he offered a detailed account of his and his wife's work circumstances, calling the family's situation a "tragic story." He ended it by saying, "So after a horrendous ordeal my wife felt it better to end our lives and why leave our children in someone's else's hands."

 

"There is no reason to believe this is anything other than a murder-suicide," Lt. John Romero said. "There is no current threat to the community, no active search for a suspect."

 

The father and the three girls were found in one upstairs room of the home, the mother and twin boys in another, police said. Deputy Police Chief Kenneth Garner described the scene as one of the most grisly police have encountered.

 

Authorities did not release the names of the woman and children.

 

"Unfortunately, this has become an all-too-common story in the last few months," Villaraigosa told reporters. He urged those who have lost jobs to take advantage of available assistance and resources, including mental health agencies.

 

"Job centers, foreclosure counselors, and mental health professionals are ready to provide whatever services are necessary to get people back on their feet and to keep families afloat," the mayor said in a written statement.

 

City Councilwoman Janice Hahn said, "No matter how desperate you are, no matter how frustrated you are, to think this was the only answer -- to take your whole family with you in death -- is just too much to understand."

 

Kaiser Permanente said it is cooperating with the police investigation.

 

"We are deeply saddened to hear of the deaths of the Lupoe family," the company said. "Our sympathies are with all their extended family and friends at this time. We are also providing resources and support to our employees who are affected by this tragedy." 

 

A dozen police officers and detectives remained at the scene Tuesday afternoon and several surrounding blocks were sealed off by police.

 

Authorities said at an afternoon briefing that a community meeting would be held later in the day at a nearby church.

Related Article:

World economy may lose 51 million jobs: U.N. agency

Workers urged: Go home and multiply

By CNN's Kyung Lah 
 

TOKYO, Japan (CNN) -- Even before one reaches the front door of Canon's headquarters in Tokyo, one can sense the virtual stampede of employees pouring out of the building exactly at 5:30 p.m.

 

 Japan's birth rate of 1.34 is below the level needed to maintain the country's population.

 

In a country where 12-hour workdays are common, the electronics giant has taken to letting its employees leave early twice a week for a rather unusual reason: to encourage them to have more babies.

 

"Canon has a very strong birth planning program," says the company's spokesman Hiroshi Yoshinaga. "Sending workers home early to be with their families is a part of it."

 

Japan in the midst of an unprecedented recession, so corporations are being asked to work toward fixing another major problem: the country's low birthrate. Tell us what you think

 

At 1.34, the birthrate is well below the 2.0 needed to maintain Japan's population, according to the country's Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare.

 

Keidanren, Japan's largest business group, with 1,300 major international corporations as members, has issued a plea to its members to let workers go home early to spend time with their families and help Japan with its pressing social problem.

 

One reason for the low birth rate is the 12-hour workday. But there are several other factors compounding the problem -- among them, the high cost of living, and social rigidity toward women and parenting.

 

In addition, Japan's population is aging at a faster pace than any other country in the world.

 

Analysts say the world's second-largest economy faces its greatest threat from its own social problems, rather than outside forces. And the country desperately needs to make some fixes to its current social and work structures, sociologists say.

 

Canon says its 5:30 p.m. lights-out program is one simple step toward helping address the population problem. It also has an added benefit: Amid the global economic downturn the company can slash overtime across the board twice a week.

 

"It's great that we can go home early and not feel ashamed," said employee Miwa Iwasaki.

Scientists: True love can last a lifetime

(CNN) -- Love's first blush fading? Lost that loving feeling? Love is not all around?

 

Scientists have used brain scans to study how long love lasts between couples.

 

Sick of cliches?

 

Take heart, scientists have discovered that people can have a love that lasts a lifetime.

 

Using brain scans, researchers at Stony Brook University in New York have discovered a small number of couples respond with as much passion after 20 years together as most people only do during the early throes of romance, Britain's Sunday Times newspaper reported.

 

The researchers scanned the brains of couples together for 20 years and compared them with results from new lovers, the Sunday Times said.

 

About 10 percent of the mature couples had the same chemical reactions when shown photographs of their loved ones as those just starting out.

 

Previous research has suggested that the first stages of romantic love fade within 15 months and after 10 years it has gone completely, the newspaper said.

 

"The findings go against the traditional view of romance -- that it drops off sharply in the first decade -- but we are sure it's real," said Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook, told the Sunday Times.

 

Sexual incompatibility troubles marriages

By Liane Yvkoff, CNN / Living

(LifeWire) -- He's a 38-year-old executive. She's a 34-year-old homemaker. He says they never fight, and in many ways they're compatible -- but not when it comes to sex.

"It's almost like a checklist," says Jon (who asked that his real name not be used) of their once-a-month lovemaking. The problem, he believes, is a lack of desire.

Sexually unfulfilling marriages aren't limited to new parents or aging baby boomers with hormone imbalances. They can ensnare even the relatively young and the recently married. When they are unable to blame kids, stress or physical issues, many couples struggle unhappily to identify -- and resolve -- the problems behind their lackluster sex life.

Couples end up in sexually unfulfilling marriages for a variety of reasons, says Marty Klein, a licensed marriage counselor and certified sex therapist in Palo Alto, California. One reason, he says, is America's obsession with marriage.

Laura Berman, a Chicago sex therapist and relationship expert, agrees. "We put the blinders on when we're dating," she says. "We focus so much on the wedding, we don't notice the warning signs."

Those who believe passion inevitably fades may downplay the sex factor, picking someone they think would be a good father or a good wife even if they're not an ideal lover, Berman adds.

"I chose her because I thought it would enhance me in some way," Jon says of his wife.

Berman has seen it before: "People choose partners who have the right resume but maybe not the entire package."

Other couples enter into relationships with so-so chemistry because they think they're in love and overlook key differences, says Klein.

Bobbie Jonas, a holistic health practitioner in Calistoga, California, acknowledges she ignored obvious warning signs during her courtship. "I was more interested in a way out from home," she says of her first marriage. Poor communication compounded the effects of weak chemistry. After 10 years, they divorced.

"Couples wondering where the sex went should be asking if it was ever really there," says Berman.

That explanation makes sense to Jon. Although he said he and his wife, who live on the West Coast, started off with great chemistry, the cracks in the relationship began to show before they traded rings. After a four-month dry spell during their engagement, his wife brought up the idea of canceling the wedding. "I just really wanted to get married," Jon says. "I felt that it was what I was supposed to do."

Now Jon is having an affair with a woman -- also in a sexually unsatisfying marriage -- for whom he feels intense passion. "I didn't realize the importance of sex," he says.

It's not always a problem

On average, Americans report having sex 85 times a year, according to the 2007 Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey conducted by Harris Interactive for Durex. The largely online survey polled 26,032 people in 26 countries using random samples of those aged 16 and older.

Therapists generally define "sexless" marriage as having sex less than about 10 times a year, and they estimate 1 in 5 couples are in such a relationship.

But Klein cautions against looking for problems where there are none.

"A dry spell is only a problem if the couple thinks it is," he says. "There are plenty of couples who don't have sex and don't think there's anything wrong with it. And there's others that are in a lot of pain about it."

Klein notes that the expectation of eternally passionate sex may be setting people up to fail. "People have the assumption that you can have long-term, monogamous, hot sex," he says. "It's never been done (on a large scale) in the history of the world."

Getting more sex

Berman offers at least one reason to resolve unsatisfying love lives: "Often, when you're not having sex, your empathy and ability to connect is lower, and it's easier to have conflict," she says. "It amplifies (marital) problems."

At the Berman Center in Chicago, she counsels couples on repairing their sex lives. Some advice:

• Try traditional gender roles: Men may become more sexually assertive if they feel more in control, and women may feel more desire for a mate with newfound machismo. "You don't have to get his slippers," explains Berman. "You just have to give him some control." She suggests a date where the man chooses everything -- her clothes, the restaurant, the food -- as a starting point.

• Engage in exciting activities: Whether it's trying an extreme sport like skydiving or snowboarding, or exploring new options in the bedroom, activities that get the pulse racing can open the brain's dopamine centers and increases desire.

• Talk about it: Couples also would benefit from simply communicating with their partners about what they want in bed. "There is no secret to hot sex," says Klein. "Sexy lingerie and dinners out are no substitute for an honest conversation about sex."

Sex chemistry 'lasts two years'

BBC

Couples should not worry when the first flush of passion dims - scientists have identified the hormone changes which cause the switch from lust to cuddles.

A team from the University of Pisa in Italy found the bodily chemistry which makes people sexually attractive to new partners lasts, at most, two years.

When couples move into a "stable relationship" phase, other hormones take over, Chemistry World reports.

But one psychologist warned the hormone shift is wrongly seen as negative.

Dr Petra Boynton, of the British Psychological Society, said there was a danger people might feel they should take hormone supplements to make them feel the initial rush of lust once more.

'Not ever-lasting'

The Italian researchers tested the levels of the hormones called neutrophins in the blood of volunteers who were rated on a passionate love scale.

Levels of these chemical messengers were much higher in those who were in the early stages of romance.

Testosterone was also found to increase in love-struck women, but to reduce in men when they are in love.

But in people who had been with their partners for between one and two years these so-called "love molecules" had gone, even though the relationship had survived.

The scientists found that the lust molecule was replaced by the so-called "cuddle hormone" - oxytocin - in couples who had been together for several years.

Oxytocin, is a chemical that induces labour and milk-production in new and pregnant mothers.

Donatella Marazziti, who led the research team, said: "If lovers swear their feelings to be ever-lasting, the hormones tell a different story."

Similar research conducted by Enzo Emanuele at the University of Pavia found that levels of a chemical messenger called nerve growth factor (NGF) increased with romantic intensity.

After one to two years, NGF levels had reduced to normal.

'Real Cupid's arrows'

The researchers said: "Whether more nerve growth is needed in the early stage of romance because of all the new experiences that are engraved into the brain, or whether it has a second, as yet unknown function in the chemistry of love, remains to be explored."

Michael Gross, a bio-chemist and science writer who has studied the latest findings, said: "It shows that different hormones are present in the blood when people are acutely in love while there is no evidence of the same hormones in people who have been in a stable relationship for many years.

"In fact the love molecules can disappear as early as 12 months after a relationship has started to be replaced by another chemical glue that keeps couples together."

He added: "To any romantically inclined chemist, it should be deeply satisfying to be able to prove that chemical messengers communicate romantic feeling between humans."

"It may be the only thing that science can offer as a real-world analogy to Cupid's arrows."

But Dr Boynton said: "This feeds into a 1970s view that when you meet it's all sparky, and then it's a downward trajectory to cuddles - which is seen as a negative.

"It is suggesting that what happens first is the best bit - and that isn't true."

She added: "I'm concerned that, having identified these hormones, there will be some move to suggest replacements to recreate the early passion."